Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
