Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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