I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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