STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Randomize
