I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
