If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So vagazzling was a success
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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