I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize