just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
