My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
