Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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