Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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