I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
