do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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