complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
