when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
