Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
