You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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