I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
