According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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