EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
