Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
