just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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