apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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