Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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