I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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