I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
