What did we do last night that was yellow?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
