I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
