I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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