I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
