I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
