hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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