NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
