I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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