I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
