My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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