worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
