Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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