I'm eating all of the evidence.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Boobs speak an international language.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Ladies don't puke and tell
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize