ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize