He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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