how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
