NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
