Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
