did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
