we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
