You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
