the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
