Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
