Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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