Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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