I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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