8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
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