I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
