I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
