I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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