If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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