He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
