Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
