Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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