She's JV to your varsity
True but thats because hes a fetus.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
